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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29113740">If They Give You Hell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustedknuckles/pseuds/stardustedknuckles'>stardustedknuckles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bathing/Washing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Grief, barely, comfort kisses, how to keep a memory, other Characters in the background - Freeform, survivor's guilt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:15:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,065</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29113740</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustedknuckles/pseuds/stardustedknuckles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Wondering if there might be something of Molly left to save within Lucien has torn Yasha apart, but watching him harm Beau rendered it a moot point. Still, there's something she's missing about Molly's relationship with Beau, and for the first time it occurs to her to ask what, exactly, is behind that tattoo on Beau's neck.</p><p>Spoilers for 123</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beauregard Lionett/Yasha</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>234</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If They Give You Hell</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It's a little outside my normal in that I'm not usually so conversation-centric, but there was so much to paw through that it seemed impossible to do anything else short of creating a separate fic for every point I wanted to cover. And I can't right now.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>By the time they all woke in midafternoon, it was clear that the Tomb Takers weren't coming. Essek, face slightly more grim than usual, informed them quietly that scrying had told him that they were in search of another crest - and that he had also been spotted through the spell as Jester had.</p><p> </p><p>"It is alright," he added softly. "If I am to help you and have but an ounce of your trust after everything, it is only right that I be included in whatever wrath these people have for you."</p><p> </p><p>"It's a lot of wrath," Jester said sadly.</p><p> </p><p>Essek's mouth made a firmer line. "I have a lot of trust to make up for losing." He glanced to Beau as he said it, but she wasn't looking at him.</p><p> </p><p>To be fair, she wasn't looking at much of anything besides the table. Though Yasha had removed some of the bruising around her throat, there were still shadows at the deepest points and under the bags of her eyes. Her fingers, Yasha noticed, rested against the green lines of her tattoo and rubbed very softly.</p><p> </p><p>"I will set up our tower," Caleb said. "We all need a breather and a familiar space before we have the big discussion of where we go from here. You are of course welcome to join us," he added to Essek, "though I assume you will politely decline."</p><p> </p><p>Essek's head tilted. "I will not stay," he said slowly, "but I would very much like to see it if I may." Again, his eyes slid to Beau. Again, Beau didn't register anything. </p><p> </p><p>Jester put both hands on the table, eyes shining. "You should see it as a cat!"</p><p> </p><p>Essek chuckled with a warmth Yasha had little trouble identifying. Whatever else had gone wrong for him, he sincerely wished to hold on to the favor and good will of the Nein. "I might take you up on that another time."</p><p> </p><p>They ate together within the tower, and though there was no sign of Lucien scrying on them, Essek spent a few moments pointing something out to Caleb from a book that made his eyes light up with intrigue and pleasure.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you, friend," he said. To the others, he called, "the next time we are set up inside our home, it will have some further safeguards against a thing like Lucien."</p><p> </p><p>Yasha looked at Beau again as the others cheered with varying levels of teasing. Her bowl was empty, but her fingers were back to her neck.</p><p> </p><p>"Beau," she murmured, and again when she didn't seem to hear her. She looked up the second time, something vanishing from behind her expression before Yasha could identify it.</p><p> </p><p>"What's up?"</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want to take a bath?"</p><p> </p><p>Beau tried for a smile. "You trying to say something? I mean yeah that sounds nice, do we have one in here that fits everyone?"</p><p> </p><p>Yasha shook her head gently. "I meant you and me."</p><p> </p><p>Beau's fingers paused their roaming and curled against her skin like they were bracing themselves. "Uh. Sure, yeah. I've still got like. Dried blood in my ear, it's really annoying -"</p><p> </p><p>Heart hammering, Yasha looked back down at her own bowl and smiled a little. "I'll follow your lead."</p><p> </p><p>"There's still some in the corner of your eye, too," Caduceus offered quietly. "It's hard to ferret all of it out." </p><p> </p><p>Beau flushed a little as she swung her leg off the bench. "Thanks man."</p><p> </p><p>His ear flicked, subdued, and Yasha put her hand on his shoulder. He didn't seem to know what to do with that, but the small smile he gave her was sincere. At just the right angle, Yasha could see ghosts of blood track stains in his white fur. She squeezed gently and followed Beau to the center of the tower.</p>
<hr/><p>Yasha knew that healing magic  had its limits as far as how quickly it removed all traces of injury. It was less of a reset and more an acceleration of a natural process. And she'd lost count of how many injuries they had all seen across one another - stripping down for baths or medical assistance or just to hand their clothes off for mending was almost as common as mealtime.</p><p> </p><p>But healing didn't remove the blood, and Beau's body was a dark cacophony of it under her clothes. She didn't give it a second look, just wadded everything in a heap and tossed it in a cat hole, leaning forward to offer a quick "thanks" with the automatic tone that came with habit before turning to catch Yasha's expression. "What is it?" She looked down at herself, twisted a little, probed a couple of deeper spots where Gelidon's teeth had taken real hold with a quiet, intrigued wince.</p><p> </p><p>Yasha stepped out of her pants and reached out a hesitant hand to the pattern of teeth marks that splashed from Beau's rib to her shoulder, fully aware that wound checking might not be new but touching like this was.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you ever worry?" She asked. "That you might not make it out the next time?"</p><p> </p><p>Beau tilted her head and took in the long, nigh-invisible slashes under the blood across Yasha's own front. "Do you?"</p><p> </p><p>Yasha's skin was, as a rule, blank to Beau's landscape of crisscrosses and puckers of pale skin against the brown. She didn't know why, but her body seemed to refuse to hold onto much in the way of damage. She'd honestly been surprised her tattoos had stayed.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't for me," she said. "And it's not that I think you can't handle yourself. It's just…" She couldn't tell Beau about her sense of being cursed, that Yasha allowing herself the possibility of loving someone felt the same as marking them for death. "You're just always the first to take the hits," she said. "Sometimes even when there's another way."</p><p> </p><p>Beau stepped back to climb into the tub, expression unreadable but tentatively devoid of defense.</p><p> </p><p>Yasha followed and sighed in relief as the hot water enveloped her like an old friend. When she looked over at Beau, her fingers were again resting over her tattoo.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't think you ever said," Yasha said quietly. "What…will you tell me why you chose that design?"</p><p> </p><p>Beau looked surprised. "For Molly."</p><p> </p><p>Yasha nodded. "Of course, but…" She hesitated. "I know how he felt about you. But I'm not sure I ever knew how you felt about him. And you don't have to tell me, but if you'd like to, I want to hear it."</p><p> </p><p>She watched Beau slowly unwind the ties from her hair, stared back at the eye on the back of her hand and didn't flinch.</p><p> </p><p>"What do you know about him dying? The fight with Lorenzo, I mean."</p><p> </p><p>The question startled Yasha a little. It sounded like the setup to something, like maybe Yasha had struck at something that ran a little deeper than a few simple words.</p><p> </p><p>"Not a lot," she confessed. She reached over as Beau began to unwind the ribbon of her headband from the braid and said, "May I?"</p><p> </p><p>The water rippled gently as Beau nodded and let her hands fall back under the water.</p><p> </p><p>Yasha worked slowly, focusing on the slide of Beau's hair under her fingers as she spoke. "I asked Caleb one night, after Obann. It wasn't a good time to ask, but maybe that's why I did."</p><p> </p><p>Beau's mouth quirked. "And he told you, because he understands beating yourself up."</p><p> </p><p>She closed her eyes with a little grunt of pleasure as Yasha scratched lightly at the spot where her braid had been. "Something like that. He told me that you had gone directly for Lorenzo, and Molly leaped up beside you. And then Lorenzo cut him down."</p><p> </p><p>Beau snorted softly. "That all?"</p><p> </p><p>"There's more?"</p><p> </p><p>The dry chuckle that dropped from Beau's lips had nothing resembling humor in it. Yasha reached gently to wipe away a fleck of dried blood at the corner of her eye, just as Caduceus had mentioned.</p><p> </p><p>"He died for us," Beau said, "but he died specifically because he helped me. You know that thing with the blindness, that kind of took a little out of him too?" Yasha nodded, but Beau wasn't looking. She kept going anyway. "He was already really hurt when he tried it, and he just. Dropped. Two feet from me, and there was nothing I could do. He was already on the ground and Lorenzo made an example of him. Right there beside me, Yasha. And I couldn't do anything."</p><p> </p><p>Yasha lifted the headband free and set it on the edge of the basin. "It isn't your fault," she said. "You know that right?"</p><p> </p><p>Beau's head twitched hard - a single violent shake of the head. "It's not even about that," she said. "We weren't even…we didn't even like each other, like. Maybe we were starting to get there, but I was an ass to him and he just. It didn't matter to him. He just threw his whole life away without even thinking about it." Her head bowed, and the next part came so quietly that Yasha had to strain to hear it. "For me."</p><p> </p><p>Yasha remembered the way Beau had looked after the witch's hut, when she had been too afraid to speak up so soon after having Beau on the other end of her sword. There had been so much she wanted to say, but she'd known that with every word she managed that she was one closer to devolving into nothing but a repeated apology at the wrong time.</p><p> </p><p>Beau had looked almost frightened by the affirmations coming from them all, and it was an expression that mirrored the one she was wearing now.</p><p> </p><p>"Beau," she said. Beau didn't look up, but that didn't mean she didn't hear her. "Do you wish it was you?"</p><p> </p><p>Her shoulders dropped with a long sigh. "It's not that simple. I don’t want to die. I just…how do you repay something like that?"</p><p> </p><p>"Someone dying when it could have been you?"</p><p> </p><p>"Someone dying because of me. Maybe even for me."</p><p> </p><p>Yasha took a deep breath, and there must have been something to it because Beau started with sudden realization. "I'm not trying to compare - what happened with your wife wasn't anything you could have fixed."</p><p> </p><p>Yasha placed her palm flat between Beau's shoulder blades, half in and out of the water. She was looking at Yasha now, a plaintive kind of apology there. "It doesn't have to be exact to compare," she said quietly. "And it does compare. I was set to be executed too. They could have taken me first. It could have been me. I wished for a long time it had been."</p><p> </p><p>"Yasha…"</p><p> </p><p>"It's okay. You asked about repayment, for Molly. You know he would shake you, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Beau huffed. "Yeah, but he's not here to do it. Because he died. He doesn't get a say in how I feel about it."</p><p> </p><p>Yasha's heart was somewhere in her throat and also her gut. "I think I've learned…he should."</p><p> </p><p>"Why?" It came out fast and harsh, and Beau winced immediately. "Sorry," she mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't apologize. It's just that I think what I learned is that it's. Wrong? To keep living in a way that Zuala would hate for me. If I truly wanted to keep her memory, it couldn't be a shackle. She was never that in life. It would be…"</p><p> </p><p>Beau's voice was gentle now, as gentle as Yasha had ever heard it. "Profane?"</p><p> </p><p>Yasha nodded. "That's a good word. It sounds so stupid, but it's all there is left. There's nothing about keeping myself down, nothing about the choices I made for so long, that she would even recognize in me." Yasha's eyes were watering. That was okay. They weren't tears of pain, or at least not the kind that harmed, and she didn't try to wipe them away. "She was happiness for me, and it's so much harder now to be guilty knowing it would hurt her."</p><p> </p><p>"You loved her so much," Beau murmured. "But Molly and I barely liked each other. I can't know what he would have wanted in return. All I can do is…pay it forward if I can."</p><p> </p><p>Yasha felt as though her own chest had been punctured with ice. Her hand paused its motion on Beau's back. "Pay it forward? You mean like trying to follow his example?"</p><p> </p><p>Beau looked up at her, and both of them took in the tears shimmering on the other. "He gave up everything for us. How could I do anything else?" Her voice cracked. "How else do I <em>bear </em>it, Yasha?"</p><p> </p><p>Yasha could hear a plea in her own words. "Beau, you<em> live."</em> She resumed rubbing, the movement as comforting for her as it was intended for Beau. "Thank you for telling me - what he did, I mean. I didn't know, I thought he was...cut short."</p><p> </p><p>"He was," Beau whispered.</p><p> </p><p>"No. He wasn't. His life wasn't taken, he gave it. You and Molly have that distinction in common. You both stake so much of yourselves on will and choice." Yasha knew her smile was cracked and terrible, but she offered it anyway. "I'm sorry to tell you, but there is no part of Mollymauk that would be okay with you doing the same thing he did."</p><p> </p><p>The shoulders under her hand began to shake quietly as Beau turned away. "Dying for me was the greatest thing anyone ever did for me," she managed. "It's the greatest thing I could do for you too."</p><p> </p><p>"It wasn't great," Yasha said softly. "It was awful. It tore through all of us, me worst of all." She reached for Beau's chin, turned her head to face her. "And if you were to follow him, I don't know what I would do, Beau." She lifted her thumb, swiped a tear gently from her cheek. Beau shuddered, eyes closing, but didn't pull away. "If you feel like you have to have a say in being without us, that's one thing. We can deal with that separately. But you cannot keep trading your life for ours in his name. Please, on his behalf and mine. Don't."</p><p> </p><p>Beau's face started to crumble, and Yasha drew her in - partially because she needed to have Beau in her arms now, immediately, and partially to give her the chance to hide.</p><p> </p><p>At first she just leaned, shivering quietly, and then her arms came up to wrap around Yasha's ribs. "I thought he was going to kill me," she whispered.</p><p> </p><p>"Never," Yasha said. "I let that happen once. Never, Beau."</p><p> </p><p>Beau shook her head against Yasha's chest. "I thought maybe…maybe it was just him coming to collect on the debt, in a way."</p><p> </p><p>It was incredible - Yasha could feel her heart quail under the blow of Beau's words. She gathered herself, braced her voice. "You know what I think?" Beau sniffed, waited. "The fact he was willing to kill you already told me that Molly is gone. And now that I know he chose to stand by you at the end, I know it doesn't matter."</p><p> </p><p>Beau's arms tightened. "What do you mean?"</p><p> </p><p>Yasha lifted a hand to pull her fingers through Beau's hair. "If he's in there, somehow, he would want this to end. If he can see what's happening…"</p><p> </p><p>"Like you," Beau said. "With Obann."</p><p> </p><p>"Exactly." She took a deep, trembling breath. "I love him enough to do that for him. To stop this."</p><p> </p><p>They sat in silence for a moment, just holding onto each other.</p><p> </p><p>Beau's voice when it came was very small. "And me?"</p><p> </p><p>Yasha thought of Lucien, of all the times molly had gasped awake from terrible dreams of someone wearing his body and using it to hurt people. She remembered the way he spat when he spoke of the snatches of memory that invaded his mind.</p><p> </p><p>"Molly hated everything about Lucien," she said. "They are not the same person. Lucien was corrupted long before the eyes. But you have always been Beau, no matter what." She looked Beau in the eye. That's not changing. Not on your watch or mine."</p><p> </p><p>Beau made a small noise in her throat and pushed herself forward so that she was crawling up into Yasha's lap now, there in the middle of the tub. Yasha helped her turn so that Beau's head rested against her chest and their hands linked around Beau's waist. Part of her thought this should be more awkward. Most of her just felt free, somehow.</p><p> </p><p>"I love Molly enough to kill Lucien," Yasha murmured. "You I love enough to save over and over, as many time as it takes."</p><p> </p><p>She felt Beau tense, her fingers between Yasha's tightening. Beau's difficulty accepting Yasha's care for her didn't bother her, but letting her go another minute without the explicit knowledge of it was unthinkable.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, Beau relaxed again and rolled her head on Yasha's shoulder to look up at her. "Thank you," she said, and Yasha was reminded of the same words trailing on the wind beneath her as she had snatched Beau's frozen and bleeding body and taken her far, far away from danger.</p><p> </p><p>There was some part of her that still reached for harm, that asked why she had failed to move for Zuala's sake then. But that instinct grew weaker by the day, the fangs of it removed to leave behind nothing but a tender, healing bruise.</p><p> </p><p>Yasha leaned down and pressed a kiss to Beau's temple, and then another softly just under her eye before she could overthink it. They were heatless and light, a comforting pressure to bridge the gap between her thoughts and her words.</p><p><br/>
Beau seemed to understand; she made no move at all to pull away and when Yasha sat up again, pressed her forehead into her neck like it was made to fit there. Her breath washed slow and even over the hollow of Yasha's throat, the rise and fall of her stomach a rhythmic comfort under Yasha's fingers that melted away the hurt they had uncovered for each other with every passing second.</p><p> </p><p>There would be blood to wash away and scars to tally, but for a long time they sat together this way, just breathing and remembering. Living, taking each new second together as it came.</p>
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